Wow - It's been a while

I just remembered that I have a blog...LOL. I realized the last post I made was last August and my how things have changed. If you are a follower you most likely know my story and what has happened over the past 10 months but wow. In ways time has flown. In my last blog I let you guys know I was expecting baby #3. Well we found out in October of last year that our baby had some serious - fatal problems. She was to be diagnosed with Bi-Lateral Renal Agenesis (Potters Syndrome). We went in to find out if she was a boy or girl and that is the minutes our lives changed forever. The next few months were followed by bi-weekly doctors visits for sonograms and visits with our OB doctor. The one thing that stands out the most in my head is the 1st Specialist said to us "There is No Hope for your baby". It will die either before or shortly after birth. She did not have any amniotic fluid around her. She quickly informed us our best option was to abort. My husband piped up and said that was not an option for us. I didn't even have to speak because he knows me well and knows I agreed. That day seems like a real blur. We had informed our family and friends about our baby before we saw the specialiat to "Confirm" her diagnosis and to ask for prayers. We went to the specialist on a Friday morning. So after they all figured we had enough time at the doctor my phone started blowing up. They all wanted to know. I just couldn't talk at that point. I was speechless and had to have a little time to process the words I had been told. Thomas and I both cried, grieved, and were in shock that our baby was going to die. On that long ride home from Savannah Thomas said no Matter what happens I want God to get the glory. I agreed and we immediatly started praying. We began answering some of the phone calls and text. Our friends and family cried, prayed, and walked the journey close to us. Immediately a friend started a facebook page "Prayer Warriors of Hope for Baby Wicker". It became a routine part of my day to check for encouraging words and to update friends and family of what was going on. Later that night we talked to our big girls about the baby and let them know she was really sick. We told them that we were praying for a miracle and hoping and believing in Faith that God would heal the baby. Our Church family was such a big part of this Faith Building time. They frequently prayed with us, annointed us with oil and held our hands as we walked this journey. It took several sonograms before they could even attempt to name the Gender of our Baby but when they did finally get a small look they said it looks like it was a girl. We had picked out several names - we though Mallory Kate for sure but it didn't take but a few days and some prayer to decide that her name would be Hannah Faith - meaning (One whom God favors or shows Grace). How perfect was that. There were lots of ups and downs. Highs and Lows - I describe it as riding a roller coaster that I couldn't get off of. Lots of twist and turns. The sonographer here was at times able to measure fluid around the baby (very small amounts) - but enough later in pregnancy to warrent another referral to a specialist. We went to a different doctor in Atlanta at that point and she had the same diagnosis. She was so loving and caring and encouraged us. (much different than the previous doctor). Tears and Tears and Tears, but still praying for that Miracle. That is certainly been a faith building thing for me. Well March 7th came and Sweet Hannah Faith was born - she was "suppose to live only 2 or so minutes" according to the doctors but she proved us all wrong and lived an amazing 6 1/2 hours. She was such a precious baby. Had a head full of dark brown hair. She cried, held us with her tiny fingers. We held her close. We had many friends and family with us that day and we did share her with everyone. Her sisters were amazed by her. Maggie held her much more than anyone and was beeming with joy. Mylee would hold her and just touch her face with 1 finger. We have thousands of pictures of her. She never knew what it was like to be left alone, scared, pain. She was just held and loved by us. God blessed us so to allow us to spend that time with her. Now the hard part comes. We had to let her go. We had to say goodbye. It goes against everything natural for a parent. Truely the hardest moments of my life were passing her to the funeral home guy, leaving the hospital with just flowers instead of my baby. Going home to no sleepless nights and baby bottles and diaper changes. Going home Empty. Empty Arms. That is how I describe it. Today has been 2 months. Time is the only thing on my side so I have been told. The pain never goes away but it does get easier over time. I consider my self a strong lady of faith, a prayer warrior, a friend to many, a good mama, a hard worker, a busy person, a daughter, a mother, a wife, sister......But for now I consider myself changed. I will never be the same. I long for the day when we reunite in Heaven. I pray that God tells her all about us. Tells her about her big sisters, her grandparents, and all of her family. I pray that in Heaven she has already found my Daddy (Papa) and her Uncle Greg that passed before I was even born. I pray she is being held by Jesus. But for now I am part of a dance. Angie Smith - writer describes it as the sacred dance of grief and joy. You never know when those moments will be. When you will be driving down the road laughing and singing and they joy turns into grief. It is so difficult. I know all of the right answers. I know God is a good God and He has a plan for her life. I know she is in a better place, but there are times that the selfish me just want her. Wants to hold her and kiss her and be her mother on earth. I am now back to work and getting back into a routine. One of which I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I work with Babies that need extra help to catch up with development. I seek your prayers and friendship.